Last weekend, I was very kindly invited to visit the Cairngorm Mountain Resort with mini, and my buddy Joanna tagged along for the ride as well – or rather bum slide down slush as it ended. It was a memorable day, with many ups and downs (yes puns), which made for some great type 2 fun for all.
Following the exact opposite of an alpine start, because of who I am as a person, Jo and I made our way to the ticket office where she bought her lift ticket and I was handed a press pass. I put on my commanding new lanyard and proceeded to fight the urge to hold it up and say ‘Multipass’ like Leeloo from the 5th Element, every time I interacted with resort staff …which was the first of many struggles to come.
After that, we made our way over the rental shop and I have to say, the staff there were just so patient and accommodating, getting us sorted with all the gear for a day on the slopes. Particularly with Juno, who needed to try on all the boots and helmets. As soon as we all finished laughing at each other for the ministry of silly ski boot walks we'd attempted in the car park, we headed to the funicular, which was very exciting for me, since I have been dying to have a go on it from the time we moved here nearly 5 years ago (while it was still in disrepair).
The guys running the funicular made me promise to only write about my journey up if it was brilliant … so here I am, writing about it. You can read between the lines.
While packed into the train with all the other Snowsport enthusiasts, I heard a familiar voice to my side exclaim, ‘Hollie?!’ It was my pal Mog, who was riding up just to have a trip on the funicular herself. She had no plans of actually trying to snowboard down, she just wanted to experience the mountain train too - fair.
While Mog and I were chatting away, Juno interrupted to make sure Mog knew I had forced her to come skiing and how much she didn’t want to be there. Everyone on the train agreed this was terrible parenting on my part.
Upon arrival at the mountain top, Mog took her return joy ride back down to the beginners hill by the Magic Carpet where her own kiddos we're waiting. Sidebar: she later informed me, that in a heroic move to keep the whole hill from closing, she actually launched her daughter off said Magic Carpet when Briar announced she was about to throw up. So if anyone was using the that lift on Saturday, you have her to thank for the continuation of normal service.
After arriving at the top of the hill, I attempted to teach Joanna and Juno to snow plough. This was nothing short of a disaster, mostly because I realised I am a terrible ski instructor and have no idea how to articulate what you need to be doing with your body to make this technique work. So both Joanna and Juno were hitting the decks attempting to ‘pizza’ while I ran between both pulling them back up to their feet.
Eventually, and understandably, Juno had an epic meltdown, which I am sure proved pretty entertaining for all the other skiers within earshot. Oh and big love to the kind woman who offered her a sweetie to see if that would help.
Deciding that perhaps a change of scenery was in order, we made our way into the shop to have a nosey. This was a dangerous choice on my part, as a cash-poor single mom, since the selection of toys and trinkets in there proved pretty enticing for the mini. The gin and whisky selection was also tempting for me, I have to say. Joanna was partial to the sheep motif wooly hats – proving there is definitely something for everyone in there!
As soon as we’d thoroughly perused the shop, we headed awkwardly up in our clunky boots to The Ptarmigan Restaurant. This was 10/10 my favourite part of the day, particularly when I saw they had mac and cheese and chips on the menu board. God bless the Scottish for combining my two favourite things in this world, into one carb fest of a meal.
Juno being Juno, decided that she didn’t want anything that was on the menu at all, and instead insisted on a fried egg. I was reluctant to indulge this special request but when the young woman behind the food counter overheard our chat she said she could go ask in the kitchen if they could do that and came back with egg-actly what Juno had wanted (which, selfishly, was such a relief after her tantrum outside). Weirdly, she still ended up eating half of my mac and cheese as well anyway, despite having vehemently refused wanting that when we were ordering.
Back to the slopes we went, for one of the most spectacular parenting fails I think I have pulled off to date. Instead of taking the funicular down and letting Juno get her bearings on the much more beginner-friendly slope by the Magic Carpet as I should have done, I decided she would be fine skiing all the way down the green. In my defence, Juno is generally pretty agile and a fast learner, so I wrongly assumed she’d get the hang of it quickly. ...Narrator: Juno did not get the hang of it quickly.
For reference, we set off down the hill at roughly 1pm, and didn’t make it back to the car park until nearly 4pm.
Bar one really gentle section where both Joanna and Juno happily cruised down, the rest of the run was me digging them out of snow banks, retrieving poles and skis that had flown off, putting boots back in their bindings and lifting people back up onto their feet every 2 to 5 metres. I did, however, manage to do a quick overtake of the children’s group lesson, which placated my bruised ego for a solid 30 seconds …so it wasn’t all bad.
Eventually, we arrived at the mid-point for the funicular, at which time Juno and Joanna had both abandoned their skis altogether and were instead marching, and laterally bum sliding, down to the sanctuary of the mountain railway.
After we’d finally completed the very quick and easy process of returning the gear to the rental shop, we retreated back to the campervan, got ourselves dried off and curried in with some much-needed teas and coffees. By all accounts, this is a classic day of Scottish skiing. Certainly a day we will all remember for years to come, no doubt. Juno perhaps with a therapist at some point...
Next time, I am definitely taking kiddo on the vomit-free (thanks Mog) Magic Carpet first!
Big thank you as well to the Resort for the invitation and to all the staff and other visitors who tolerated the pure mayhem that is us at the resort on Saturday too. Y'all have nerves of steel and the patience of saints! 🫶🏻🙏🏼